Sometimes, I feel like losing weight is just worthless for me :(. I have PCOS and I have an apple shape. I absolutely HATE being an apple shape :’(. I cry about it all the time because I know the unhealthiest least attractive body shape to be is an apple. I don’t have curves, I don’t have killer legs, I feel literally like a red delicious or some sort of crap. It makes me tear up that I will never have that hourglass or pear shape.
This is all due to PCOS. The disease that makes you look pregnant but won’t let you get pregnant. I tell myself that I don’t want kids because I know that my PCOS is so aggressive every doctor I have been to (endrocrinologist, Physicians, and Gyno) have told me regardless of weight loss, meds, in vitro, and etc that I can’t get pregnant. I know the hirtsism is awful. I went to the doctor and asked for birth control so I can have a normal period and she asked if I wanted it for my moustache. I almost broke down crying :/ for the rest of the day I didn’t talk because I didn’t want attention brought to my upper lip. I have hair on my chin and the guy I like pointed it out to me. He said I should be a circus attraction. He said I was the bearded lady :(. I will always remember that comment. I ask my mother all the time if I can have vaniqua or any other hair removal cream but all she tells me is that it messes with my hormones and I might want to have children one day. ( I guess she still hopes I can give her grandchildren).
I once lost 50 lbs and I only went down one pant size because of my shape. I remember being excited after my best fried lost 10 lbs and went down two sizes. I just thought after 50 lbs I could have gone down at least 3… but no. I remember crying in the dressing room because I could only get the pants up to my thigh after all that hard work. After 50lbs, I had to tell people that I lost weight. They just couldn’t see it. I didn’t feel any better either because I still carried all my weight in my chest and mid-drift.
Sometimes, I want to blame it on race as sad as that sounds :(. But even then, I didn’t get the typical black girl shape. The thick thighs and big butt. Instead I got cellulite thigs and the flattest butt ever. :( I try to look for other women who look like me and usually all I get are pictures of skinny celebrities :(.
It hurts that I almost have nothing to look forward to if I lose weight. My shape will ALWAYS be awful, the only thing I can guarantee is that I will feel healthier and sometimes … I feel like it isn’t worth it.
